In this blog, you will read about what intrusive thoughts are, why they keep coming back so stubbornly, when they are normal and when they are not, and most importantly, how to learn to deal with them differently so that they lose their grip on you, even if they are related to limerence or obsessive infatuation. If you first want to understand the basics of limerence, it helps to also read my article about What limerence is to read, where I explain the core and the limerence meaning step by step.
You're sitting calmly on the couch, and suddenly a thought flashes through your mind that you absolutely don't want to think. An image, a “what if,” a sentence that seems to come from nowhere and hits exactly what you're most afraid of. It startles you. And precisely because it startles you, it sticks.
Intrusive thoughts, both unwanted and invasive thoughts, come in all sorts of forms. Sometimes they're about accidents, mistakes, or safety. Other times they're about one specific person you just can't let go of: a loved one, a limerent object, someone you're obsessively in love with.
I know limerence and intrusive thoughts from personal experience as well: multiple times I lost myself in obsessive infatuation, and to this day, I notice how my brain can jump to the worst-case scenario when there's no contact. That combination of personal experience, study, and working with exercises forms the foundation of what you read in this blog.
That your LO (limerent object) keeps reappearing in your thoughts is an important part of what Dorothy Tennov called limerence. In The first important book about limerence: what Dorothy Tennov taught us read why her work still gives many people an initial feeling of recognition.
10 Valuable Insights in a Free Guide
Some people who land on this page have googled limerence tens of times. You know the definition. You know the stages. But there's a big difference between knowing what it is and actually getting out of it. I wrote a free guide with 10 insights that go a bit deeper. A guide that can help you on your way and explain that you are not alone.
What are intrusive thoughts?
Intrusive thoughts (also called unwanted or invasive thoughts) are unwanted thoughts, images, or impulses that suddenly pop into your consciousness. They often feel strange, inappropriate, or even frightening precisely because they clash with who you are and what you want.
Here are a few examples of what they might look like:
- A sudden image of you harming yourself or someone else, an act you would never want to do.
- The thought “what if I left the gas on?” just as you've left the house.
- Unwanted sexual or taboo thoughts that go against your values.
- Doubts about your relationship, your health, or your identity that are pressing.
- Endlessly dwelling on one specific person, situation, or mistake, for example, someone you are limerent about and who keeps playing on your mind.
The most important thing to know: having an intrusive thought says nothing about who you are. Research shows that almost everyone has them at some point; the very fact that a thought disturbs you is a sign that it does not align with your true desires.
If you notice that you're not just having loose thoughts, but are having real conversations with your SP in your head, then also read Why you keep having conversations in your head with your ex. And if you not only have these kinds of thoughts, but are also ashamed of how large your inner world is around one person, then read too Limerence and shame.
Why does (almost) everyone have them?
Your brain is an idea machine that produces thoughts all day long – helpful, neutral, and sometimes strange. You barely notice most of those thoughts; they come and go like clouds.
The problem doesn't arise from the thought itself, but from what happens afterward. With an intrusive thought, you think, “Wait, why am I thinking that? That's not like me. That's scary.” At that moment, you give the thought meaning and attention. And attention is precisely the fuel on which thoughts grow.
This explains the painful paradox of intrusive thoughts: the harder you try not to think them, the more strongly they return. Just try not to think of a pink elephant for a minute; it’s impossible because suppression actually makes you think of it again.
When are intrusive thoughts normal—and when are they not?
This is a crucial distinction, as it determines whether you're simply dealing with a normal brain or if something more is going on.
Normal intrusive thoughts
- They occasionally come by.
- They disappear again if you don't give them too much attention.
- Do not disrupt your daily life significantly.
Possibly a sign of something more (like OCD or an anxiety disorder):
- The thoughts often return and feel threatening.
- They cause intense fear, guilt, or shame.
- You feel compelled to “neutralize” them by checking, seeking reassurance, avoiding, or performing mental rituals.
- They take up a lot of time and will hinder your daily functioning.
According to psychologists, the major difference in OCD is not the thought itself, but the compulsive reaction to it: this reaction is triggered almost automatically, takes up a lot of time, and increasingly disrupts daily life. Research confirms that obsessions evoke more anxiety, guilt, and negative emotions in people with OCD than in people without the disorder.
Are you unsure if your thoughts are crossing the line? Then it's wise to talk to a doctor or psychologist about them. That's not a sign of weakness, but of self-care.
If you're mainly questioning whether you're dealing with ordinary infatuation or something like limerence, my blog Just in love or limerence? help to make that distinction a little clearer.
When intrusive thoughts are about one person: the link with limerence
There's a specific form of intrusive thinking that many people recognize but rarely name: the obsessive, recurring thinking about one particular person. Your mind keeps returning to them, even when you know it's not good for you, even when the situation is hopeless or unhealthy.
This touches upon a phenomenon called limerence: a state of obsessive infatuation where your thoughts are almost entirely consumed by one person. It feels all-encompassing; you analyze every interaction, fantasize about getting closer, and your mood depends on a glance or a message.
For many people, the smartphone amplifies these intrusive thoughts: every ‘last seen,’ every notification, and every message becomes new fodder for interpretation. In Limerence and your smartphone Let me show you what that phone loop looks like and what small steps can help give your brain some space back.
In limerence, intrusive thoughts are essentially focused on one person. The mechanism is the same: a thought that intrudes and keeps returning, but the content revolves around desire, hope, and connection instead of fear. And just like with other intrusive thoughts: the more you resist or engage with them, the stronger the cycle becomes.
Does this sound familiar? That your mind keeps returning to that one person, even when you don't want it to? Then it can be helpful to keep reading my blog. Why him or her?, in which I delve deeper into patterns, projection, and old attachment pain that can fuel limerence.
In the workbook Out of the Limerence Loop. explains in understandable language what is happening in your brain, your body, and your relationships, with practical exercises to regain peace, space, and control over your own life.
How to deal with intrusive thoughts: 6 approaches that help
The trick isn't in pushing thoughts away; that's counterproductive. It's about building a different relationship with your thoughts. In limerence, it sometimes feels as if your thoughts about that one person aren't “just thoughts,” but a kind of truth about your connection; precisely because of this, it can help to see them as thoughts again instead of commands.
Here are six approaches that are widely used in practice and in therapy.
1. Recognize the thought without engaging with it
When an intrusive thought arises, try not to resist it. Say to yourself internally, “Aha, there's that thought again.” You don't have to like it, believe it, or fight it. You simply notice it. This takes away some of its power.
2. Do not fight, do not oppress
Suppression amplifies. Instead of “I'm not allowed to think this,” it works better to just let the thought be there, just as you can't push away an annoying song in your head, but you can let it finish playing.
3. Don't give the thought more meaning than it deserves
An intrusive thought is not a prediction, not a wish, and not a truth. It is a mental event, nothing more. Thinking something does not make it real and does not say anything about your character. This stance is widely used in cognitive therapy.
4. Bring your attention back to the present
Intrusive thoughts pull you away from the present moment. Simple anchoring helps: feel your feet on the ground, name five things you see, focus on your breathing for a minute. This trains your brain to shift attention.
5. Write it off
Writing down a recurring thought, what triggered it, what emotion is underlying it, and what behavior followed, breaks it out of the endless loop in your head and puts it on paper. This immediately brings many people more peace and clarity. This is precisely why workbooks with reflection and trigger exercises are so effective.
6. Be kind to yourself
Self-criticism (“what's wrong with me?”) strengthens anxiety and therefore thoughts. Self-compassion does the opposite. Talk to yourself as you would talk to a good friend going through the same thing.
Are you mainly bothered by inner conversations with your LO, even though the contact has already ended? In Limerence and closure: when your mind won’t let go after the contact ends I will explore that situation further.
When you first start consciously noticing limerence, it can seem as though you are thinking about your LO even more often. In Recognizing limerence: why the first stage of recovery is so difficult I will explain why that awareness can just be the beginning of change.
When to seek professional help?
Seek help from a general practitioner or psychologist if intrusive thoughts:
- Impeding your daily life, work, or relationships.
- Accompanied by severe anxiety, depression, or compulsive behaviors.
- If you feel unsafe, or if you are thinking of harming yourself or others.
- No longer leaving despite your own efforts.
Effective treatments like cognitive behavioral therapy and exposure therapy are proven to be helpful for persistent intrusive thoughts and OCD. You don't have to go through this alone.
If you notice that your intrusive thoughts often revolve around one person, it can be helpful to also read my blog Living after limerence to read, in which I discuss recovery, the fear of never feeling good again, and what love can look like after limerence.
Finally: you are not your thoughts
The most important takeaway from this blog: having a thought is not the same as being that thought. Your brain produces all sorts of things, all day long. What counts is how you deal with it. And that's something you can learn.
Whether your intrusive thoughts are general, or specifically revolve around one person you can't get over, as often happens with limerence, there are always ways to create space in your head again. Step by step.
Are you specifically struggling with obsessive thoughts about one person? Discover how to break free from it step-by-step in the workbook. Out of the Limerence Loop..
Frequently Asked Questions about Intrusive Thoughts and Limmerence
Are intrusive thoughts about one person always limerence?
Not always. Intrusive thoughts can be about anything; limerence specifically and persistently focuses on one person, with strong idealization and dependence on their reaction. If you notice your mood almost entirely depends on signals from that one person, limerence is more likely to be at play.
Do I have OCD or limerence?
OCD primarily revolves around anxiety and compulsive behaviors (checking, neutralizing, rituals), while limerence is more about obsessive infatuation, hope, and a longing for reciprocity. They can overlap, but they are distinct patterns; a professional can help to better distinguish between them.
Is it dangerous to have thoughts like that?
Having an intrusive thought doesn't make you dangerous; it doesn't automatically say anything about what you would actually do. However, take it seriously if you feel you might harm yourself or others, or if you feel unsafe — then it's important to seek help immediately.
Do intrusive thoughts go away on their ownHow can I stop limerence?
For some people, intrusive thoughts decrease as limerence fades, but often there's an underlying layer of attachment pain, anxiety, or perfectionism that demands attention. By working with that underlying layer, you reduce the chance of the same patterns returning later in a new situation.
To get myself out of this circle of limerence and intrusive thoughts, I have collected everything that worked well in practice and written it down as clearly and accessibly as possible in my workbook. "Out of the Limerence Loop" Step-by-step exercises help you to break free from thought cycles again and again and return to yourself; for me, it has worked to regain more space and control, and that path is also open to you; at your own pace.
About the author
I am Sidney, writer, researcher, and the driving force behind Sid's Saferoom. In addition to my years of personal experience with breaking free from limerence, I am certified Trauma-Informed Coach (IPHM-accredited via Kirsty Watson, The Complete Approach).
Knowing firsthand how lonely and exhausting obsessive infatuation can be, I dedicate my work to helping others heal. I write about it and developed the theory and workbook Out of the Limerence Loop. My mission is to provide you with the psychological insights and practical tools needed to interrupt the obsessive loop and restore peace to your nervous system.
- Want to know more? Read my full story on the About me-page.
- Weekly support? Subscribe to my English-language essays at substack.com.