Limerence and emotional neglect: why attention can feel so important

In this article, you will read how limerence can be connected for some people to emotional neglect or unresolved childhood pain. This can be important to understand, because the desire to be seen, chosen, or reassured by one specific person can sometimes feel much greater than ordinary infatuation alone. You will read what emotional neglect can mean, why relational insecurity can hit so hard, and what first, gentle steps can help you return to yourself.

Maybe you have thought sometimes: Why does this affect me so deeply? Why can a single message from your LO make your whole day, while silence, distance, or ambiguity can throw you into panic, sadness, or endless analyzing? Rationally, you may know that this person cannot give you everything you long for, but it still feels as though their attention determines whether you feel good enough.

That is not a sign that you are crazy, that you are weak, or that your feelings are not real. With limerence, a real attraction can go hand in hand with a deeper, older longing: the longing to finally be seen, to be allowed to lean on someone, to not be too much, and to experience that someone stays.

Under the surface

When people hear the word neglect, they sometimes immediately think of a very severe or visible childhood. But emotional neglect can also be much quieter. Your parents may have loved you, worked hard, and provided for you practically, and yet something could have been missing emotionally.

Maybe there was little room for your feelings. Maybe your sadness was quickly brushed aside, you had to be strong, or you learned at a young age that you shouldn't be an extra burden. Maybe a parent was often gloomy, absent, tense, ill, or mainly occupied with their own problems. Maybe you learned that you had to adapt to the atmosphere in the house, sense well what others needed, or take responsibility for someone's mood.

Emotional neglect doesn't mean you have to pass judgment on your parents. Many parents do what they can with what they themselves were given. Yet, it can be painful for a child when there is too little attunement, comfort, curiosity, or emotional safety.

If as a child you didn't often experience someone sitting quietly next to you when you were sad, taking an interest in what you felt, or reassuring you without you having to achieve anything, then later on you can be extra sensitive to the question: Am I important to you? Do you really see me? Will you stay with me?

That may help explain why limerence sometimes goes so much further than an ordinary crush. Not because your feelings aren't real, but because the person you become fixated on can unconsciously start to represent something you have been looking for for much longer.

Why attention from one person can feel so charged

In limerence, your LO can come to represent more than just themselves. Of course, that person may have traits that you genuinely find attractive: warmth, humor, creativity, intelligence, charisma, sensitivity, or a certain vibe. But sometimes a second layer is added.

The attention of that person can then temporarily feel like proof that you matter, as reassurance that you haven't been rejected, as hope that you are finally special, or as confirmation that you are attractive, valuable, and desired. That is why a text message, look, compliment, or small sign of interest can sometimes have a disproportionately large impact. It's not just about that moment of contact. It can feel as though something much bigger is at stake.

Research into emotional abuse and neglect in childhood shows that such experiences can be associated with vulnerabilities in adult romantic relationships. For example, a meta-analysis of 23 studies found a modest but consistent link between early emotional abuse and lower relational well-being later in life. That does not mean your childhood determines your future. Rather, it means that early emotional experiences can continue to affect how you experience closeness, trust, rejection, and emotional safety.

I also recognize that connection from my own life. As a child, I often felt responsible for the happiness of my father, who was depressed. Because his behavior didn't make me feel that I was succeeding in that, I also didn't truly feel seen in what was going on inside me. Due to her limited intellectual abilities, my mother was often unable to properly sense what was going on emotionally within me. In that sense, both of my parents, each in their own way, were heavily preoccupied with their own limitations.

I know that they both did what was within their capabilities and that they loved me. Yet I later discovered something painful: my love, my adapting, and my hard work to do things right could not solve what they themselves could not carry or give. As a child, I could not understand that yet. Above all, I could feel that apparently I had to do even more to be seen, to make someone happy, or to be important enough.

Later, I noticed that the attention of an emotionally less available man could sometimes feel disproportionately important as a result. The desire to be chosen by him wasn't just about him. There was also an older desire underneath: to be seen, to be reassured, and not having to carry what I felt all by myself.

That is not the explanation for everyone's limerence, and not even the only explanation for mine. But it did help me better understand why ambiguity and inconsistent attention in particular could have such a strong grip on me. In Why him or her? you read more about why one specific person can sometimes carry such an enormous emotional charge.

When uncertainty can touch old pain

In limerence, uncertainty is often the fuel. An LO who is occasionally warm, close, or attentive, but then feels distant again, can keep your nervous system constantly on high alert. You end up waiting, hoping, rereading messages, fantasizing, analyzing, and searching for signs that things will work out after all.

That behavior is sometimes framed as someone being “addicted to attention.” But often there is something much more human beneath it. You are trying to find peace. You are trying to figure out if you are safe. You are trying to get ahead of the pain of potential rejection by understanding everything.

Research on adult romantic relationships shows that people with more experiences of abuse or neglect in their childhood, on average, find it less easy to feel that a partner understands them, cares about them, and validates their feelings. A partner can therefore be truly caring, while your body and brain still keep scanning for what could go wrong. In the case of emotional neglect, it also appeared that this sense of partner responsiveness could decrease more strongly over time in some participants.

In limerence, that sensitivity to distance can manifest as endless overthinking about a message, a silence, a change in tone, or a look. You are not necessarily trying to control the other person. Often, you are trying to reassure yourself.

If you notice that your mind is constantly trying to figure out what your SO means, feels, or is going to do, read this as well Why you try to understand everything about that other. Sometimes that analyzing is less about curiosity about the other person than about the deep desire to finally feel certainty.

Trauma, attachment, and limerence

Many trauma-informed therapists connect limerence to unresolved attachment wounds. By this, they do not mean that every intense infatuation is a trauma response. They mean that an unfulfilled need for closeness, protection, validation, or safety can sometimes attach itself very strongly to a single person later in life.

When as a child you learned that love is unpredictable, that you have to work hard for attention, that your feelings are too much, or that others are not emotionally available in a reliable way, a distant or inconsistent person can later activate something old. Without you consciously choosing it, the LO then sometimes becomes the bearer of an older desire:

See me.
Pick me.
Stay with me.
Make it clear that I am important.
Do not leave me alone with what I feel.

That does not mean that your limerence isn't real or that you can't genuinely appreciate something about someone. It only means that the intensity of limerence sometimes cannot be fully explained by this single person or by the actual relationship you have.

Recent research into people with debilitating limerence — limerence that clearly affects daily functioning — found that they reported adverse childhood experiences, insecure attachment, and obsessive-compulsive thought patterns more frequently on average. In a study with 1,647 participants, the researchers conclude that limerence in many people appears to be rooted in trauma and relational insecurity, and can be maintained by obsessive thoughts and maladaptive daydreaming. This does not prove that trauma causes limerence in everyone. But it does support that a connection between limerence and old emotional pain or attachment wounds can be real (Evans et al., 2026).

In Limerence and attachment styles read more about how attachment patterns can play a role, without having to lock yourself into a single label or explanation.

You don't have to fix your past first

This may be the most important part: you don't have to unravel your entire childhood before you can begin to heal. Insight can be very valuable. It can be an enormous relief to realize that you are not “too much,” but that there is an understandable reason why attention and insecurity hit you so hard.

But insight is not an admission requirement for recovery.

For some people, it helps to look at childhood trauma, attachment wounds, or emotional neglect with a therapist. Especially when memories, panic, shame, dissociation, depressive feelings, or old family dynamics heavily impact daily life, professional support can be helpful. A therapist can guide you so that you don't have to figure everything out all by yourself.

Other people notice that they benefit most from the here and now: calming their bodies, reacting less to impulses, bringing their attention back to their own values, and step by step rebuilding a life of their own outside of the LO.

You may use both routes. You don't have to choose between psychological insight and practical exercises. One day it helps to understand where a feeling might come from. Another day it helps more to put your phone away, go for a walk, take a shower, eat something, or consciously seek contact with someone who feels safe and available.

In Limerence and needs: what do you really need? can you investigate further what your eating disorder seems to promise you — for example, reassurance, validation, freedom, comfort, or connection — and how you can find small pieces of that outside of your eating disorder.

Small steps when this affects you

If you notice that this blog opens something up within you, don't try to explain your entire history all at once. Choose one small step that feels safe enough.

• Ask yourself when you think of your PE: what do I hope to feel or get at this moment? Perhaps reassurance, value, proximity, comfort, or hope.
• Name one sentence you might have wanted to hear more often as a child. For example: You don't have to prove anything to deserve attention.
• Place a hand on your chest or belly and calmly look around you. Name five things that you see. This can help your body remember that you are in the present moment.
• Write a few lines to yourself as if you were talking to someone you love very much. Not perfect, just honest and kind.
• Choose one small activity that is yours: cooking, showering, exercising, listening to music, making something, calling a trusted person, or spending time on your own project.
• Consider seeking help when limerence, old memories, or anxiety severely limit your life. You don't have to be “bad enough” first to be allowed to receive support.

The blog can give you a safe initial entry point. If you want to go through various exercises calmly and in a structured way—both for insight and to return to your body and the here and now—then my workbook will help you discover step by step what suits you.

Finally

Perhaps your limerence isn't just about the person you're fixated on. Perhaps that person also touches an older desire to be seen, reassured, and chosen. That is nothing to be ashamed of. It is human.

Your past does not have to determine what your future looks like. Understanding what may lie beneath your limerence can be a beginning of being softer toward yourself — and gently bringing your attention back to the person who also deserves care, space, and love: you.

Frequently Asked Questions about limerence and emotional neglect

About the author

I am Sidney, writer, researcher, and the driving force behind Sid's Saferoom. In addition to my years of personal experience with breaking free from limerence, I am certified Trauma-Informed Coach (IPHM-accredited via Kirsty Watson, The Complete Approach).

Knowing firsthand how lonely and exhausting obsessive infatuation can be, I dedicate my work to helping others heal. I write about it and developed the theory and workbook Out of the Limerence Loop. My mission is to provide you with the psychological insights and practical tools needed to interrupt the obsessive loop and restore peace to your nervous system.

• Want to know more? Read my full story on the About me-page.
• Weekly support? Subscribe to my English-language essays at substack.com.

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