In this article, you'll read how limerence can almost turn your smartphone into an addiction machine: constantly checking, viewing last seen, blue ticks, opening other apps to see if there's any activity anyway. You'll discover how that's related to the dopamine system in your brain, why it's so logical that you do this when you're stuck in limerence, and you'll get one small exercise to make your phone a little less in charge of your days.
My own experience is that during a limerence episode, I used my phone almost obsessively. I turned off my “last online” status and read receipts, thinking it was safer, but I often turned them back on briefly just to see when my limerent object was last online. I know this is very recognizable for many people who suffer from limerence.
In another chat app, I could even secretly see if he had opened the conversation to check if I had sent something. This was solely because my brain was constantly searching for confirmation that he was thinking of me. In retrospect, it feels bizarre how many hours I filled with checking, waiting, and interpreting; but when I was in the thick of it, it felt like the only thing that temporarily dulled my anxiety and loneliness. Although I wasn't fully aware of that at the time. I just kept checking whenever this came to mind. And that was often. Precisely because I know how lonely and intense it can feel when you're in the midst of such a limerence period, I wrote my book, including everything I myself would have wanted to know years earlier.
Limerence sometimes occurs with someone you don't know.
If you notice that you primarily use your phone to get closer to a movie star or pop star, then you recognize a lot in Limerence for a movie star of popster, where I further elaborate on that parasocial aspect.
And if you feel that this continuous checking has more to do with an old fear of being abandoned or unseen, then you can Limerence and attachment styles Investigate which attachment patterns lie beneath your scrolling and checking behavior.
How limerence and your smartphone reinforce each other
Limerence is a state of obsessive infatuation and romantic obsession, in which your brain reacts strongly to every signal from your limerent object. Usually, it's not so much about the person as it is about being ‘chosen’ this time. I will write more about the causes of limerence in my book and also in the article How does it form and how long does it take?. The arrival of the smartphone and social media haven't exactly made the limerence phase easier. In the digital world, not only real conversations but also:
- “Last seen” or “online” in apps like WhatsApp.
- Blue checkmarks, typing indicators, story views, status updates.
- Every like, view, or reaction on social media.
Researchers and therapists describe that such micro-signals activate the dopaminergic reward system: any sign that your limerent object “is there” or might be thinking of you can feel like a small reward.
This leads to patterns such as:
- opening your app again and again to see if he/she is online,
- Telling yourself you won't send anything, but still checking if an old message has been read.,
- Analyze the timestamps: “He was online at 01:17, maybe that was because...”
The patterns aren't “crazy”; they are a logical expression of a brain that hopes, seeks, and dreads being let go of entirely. In my blog about Intrusive thoughts in limerence I'll explain how those thoughts can keep feeding themselves; in this blog, we'll zoom in on your phone as an extension of those cycles.
If you notice your smartphone keeps feeding your limerence loop, the two steps in Two exercises that gently interrupt limerence help you to use your phone more calmly.”
Last seen, blue ticks, and dopamine hits
WhatsApp describes “last seen” and “online” very neutrally: it simply shows when someone last used the app. But with limerence, such a neutral function takes on enormous emotional significance.
- Seeing someone online without them replying to you can feel like rejection.
- When you see that someone hasn't been online in a long time, it can cause anxiety: “Is something wrong?” or “He/she forgot about me.”
- When you see blue checkmarks without a reply, you can spend hours interpreting them.
Psychologists writing about digital addiction and online dating typically refer to this as behavior of people who need a lot of external validation: you are looking for proof in every status update that you matter.
In limerence, your brain often adds a huge amount of fantasy material: internal monologues, scenarios where you explain everything, conversations where the other person sets everything right, future visions where you eventually come together. In my blog Just in love or limerence? I'll elaborate on the difference between this obsessive, digital checking cycle and a calmer, reciprocal love.
Why it feels extreme in hindsight
Many people coming out of an intense limerence episode look back later and think, “How did I fill my days with this?” Yet, that's precisely a characteristic of addictive patterns:
- you have the feeling that you must to check to reduce the tension,
- your day is increasingly built around those check-ins,
- other things (work, friends, hobbies) pale in comparison to the question of whether or not you'll get a sign from this one person.
My own reflection is twofold: on the one hand, it feels extreme and almost painful to see how much time I spent on last seen, blue ticks, other apps, and “is he maybe online now?”. On the other hand, I know how lonely and raw it felt to be in that limerence episode, and how much I longed for confirmation that I mattered.
In my blog about limerence and boundaries I describe how these patterns can really affect your life and how difficult it is to set boundaries when your brain is in such an addictive mode.
A small smartphone exercise to give your brain some space
Instead of immediately quitting your phone cold turkey, it can be helpful to do a small, achievable exercise that teaches your brain that there are also moments without checking. This is an exercise you can keep track of in your own journal or notebook if you wish.
Exercise: One safe time slot without last-seen
- Choose a short time block, for example, 20–30 minutes, during which you decide not to open your messaging app.
- Beforehand, if possible, turn off your “last seen” and/or read receipts; not as a check, but as a mini-boundary for yourself.
- In that block, do something that doesn't revolve around your limerent object: a small household chore, a short walk, a breathing exercise, read a bit.
- Note which impulses arise to check anyway: thoughts, physical tension, tempting fantasies. Write one sentence about it as soon as the block is over (for example: “In these 20 minutes, I wanted to check three times, especially when I thought he might be online”).
- Repeat this on another day, and honestly see if it helped a little, reasonably, or well to make your day less dictated by your phone.
This is a very small exercise, not a large recovery plan. The goal isn't for you to stop “perfectly,” but for your brain to learn that there can be moments when you place your attention elsewhere than on last-seen.
My workbook contains many more exercises that are not specifically about your smartphone, but are about this exact movement: bringing yourself back to the here and now, engaging your body and senses, and noticing when you have drifted off into fantasies and internal conversations. These are pages where you can fill in, observe, look back, and see how your own patterns develop over weeks and months.
Why I Wrote My Book
I recognize almost every smartphone pattern I describe here. I've personally gone through phases where I:
- checked in different apps if he was online,
- sent messages in other chats to see if he was “still alive” in the system,
- last‑seen and.
As I slowly emerged from that, it felt almost unreal that I had put so much time, energy, and attention into these digital circles. But that look back was also the moment where I thought: Something needs to be written about this that is safe, non-judgmental, and offers practical guidance. Therefore, my book consists of two parts:
- In the first part, I will explain what limerence is, what patterns underlie it, and why it can resemble addiction and attachment pain.
- In the second part, the workbook, you will find exercises on a cognitive level (insight, words, mapping patterns) and on a physical level (body awareness, senses, anchor sentences) that will guide you step by step back to the here and now and help you avoid filling every hour with fantasies and digital check-ins.
If you recognize yourself in this smartphone dynamic, it's not a failure or weakness; it's an understandable reaction to intense limerence, loneliness, and longing. That's precisely why I wrote my book: so you don't just gain insights, but also concrete ways to gradually reclaim yourself and your life, instead of your screen.
To think about yourself
If you want to journal or reflect, you can use these questions:
- How many times a day do you open your messaging app, primarily to check if your limerent object has been online?
- What thoughts and physical sensations do you notice right before you check in (restlessness, hope, anxiety, emptiness)?
- What do you feel when you see that he/she has been online without responding, and what do you tell yourself then?
- What activities, people, or places could fill your days a bit outside of this digital check-in circle?
- If your brain could learn there are times when you don't need to check, what would that mean for your life in the long run?
If you recognize yourself in this smartphone behavior, it says nothing about your worth as a human being; it mainly shows how intense limerence and loneliness can feel. You didn't choose this, and yet you can learn, step by step, to bring your attention back to your life, your body, and your day.
Frequently Asked Questions about Limerence and Your Smartphone
Am I “addicted” to my phone or to this person?
Many people in limerence recognize both phone addiction and person addiction: your brain gets used to constantly seeking small signals from one specific person via your phone. So, it's usually a combination: the phone is the means, but the core lies in your dependency on contact with that one person.
Does turning off all 'last seen' and read receipts help?
For some people, turning off last seen, online status, and blue ticks brings peace because there are fewer triggers to interpret. At the same time, your brain and your fantasies can still run wild; that's why it often works better as part of a broader approach, where you also practice tolerating unease and returning to the here and now.
Is it unhealthy that I'm constantly checking when he/she was last online?
This is understandable and recognizable behavior in limerence, but in the long run, it can increase your stress, worries, and sense of dependence. It becomes particularly unhealthy when your days are dictated by it, other things in your life are compromised because of it, and your self-respect suffers as a result.
Do I have to completely put my phone away to recover from limerence?
For most people, “put the phone away and never touch it again” isn't realistic; we also need our smartphones for work, appointments, and practical matters. It often works better to practice boundaries step-by-step: specific time blocks without checking, temporarily muting certain apps, and simultaneously building up other sources of connection and reward. However, it's often easier for your recovery not to see or speak to that person anymore. I write more about “no contact” in this article.
How does your book help with this smartphone dynamic?
My book focuses not only on the phone itself, but on the underlying patterns: how your thoughts, body, and nervous system react to hope, rejection, and uncertainty. The first part gives you insight into limerence and person addiction; the workbook section contains exercises to help you bring yourself back to the here and now, get stuck less in fantasies and internal monologues, and fill your days a little more with YOUR life instead of just with last seen and blue ticks.
About the author
I am Sidney, writer, researcher, and the driving force behind Sid's Saferoom. In addition to my years of personal experience with breaking free from limerence, I am certified Trauma-Informed Coach (IPHM-accredited via Kirsty Watson, The Complete Approach).
Knowing firsthand how lonely and exhausting obsessive infatuation can be, I dedicate my work to helping others heal. I write about it and developed the theory and workbook Out of the Limerence Loop. My mission is to provide you with the psychological insights and practical tools needed to interrupt the obsessive loop and restore peace to your nervous system.
- Want to know more? Read my full story on the About me-page.
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