In this article, you'll read when limerence is no longer just “intense infatuation” but really starts to hurt your life, and which initial boundaries can help you regain some more space and presence in your own life. We'll look at how boundaries often slowly shift, how you're internally tossed back and forth between hope and fear, and what it does to your work, relationships, and daily happiness when your mind keeps revolving around one person.
I'm writing about this not only as a coach, but also as someone who has experienced several limerence episodes myself: periods where my brain revolved almost entirely around one person, where my boundaries kept shifting further and further, and I noticed how I was no longer truly present in my own life. To get myself out of that circle of limerence and intrusive thoughts, I've gathered everything that worked well in practice and written it down as clearly as possible in my workbook. “Getting over limerence, A theoretical part together; what.
When limerence still feels “manageable”
Not every intense infatuation is immediately harmful. In the beginning, limerence can feel like a secret energy source: you're more alert, more vibrant, you fantasize a lot, and you might feel more creative than usual.
In this phase:
- Can you still function reasonably well at work or school?.
- Are you very focused on the other person, but still feel that you have “a choice”?.
- The outside world might not even notice it that much.
Many people recognize this as the phase where they still say, “Yes, it's intense, but I have it under control.” This is often where the difference between healthy infatuation and limerence begins: with healthy infatuation, there's still room left for yourself, your life, and other relationships; with limerence, the other person gradually intrudes into everything. Still in doubt? Then it might help to also read my blog Just in love or limerence? to read, in which I further elaborate on the differences.
Sometimes you know very well that contact with your ex does you no good, but the impulse to send something anyway feels unexpectedly strong. Limerence: Two Realities helps you understand why that wave is not proof that you are back to square one.
Borders that slowly shift
One of the most painful aspects of limerence is that boundaries rarely disappear all at once. They shift, little by little. Especially if you are limerent for someone you do have something with, a colleague, friend, fellow student, or someone with whom you have quasi-contact, but who doesn't quite give you what you truly need.
For example, that shift could look like this:
- You stay online longer than you.
- You adjust your schedule so that you “spontaneously” run into the other person a little more often.
- You set boundaries for yourself (“I'm not sending anything today”), but then you bend them (“okay, just one message then”).
- You keep accepting smaller and smaller crumbs of contact and selling them to yourself as proof that you are special.
Attachment literature describes how people with limerence often end up in relationships or quasi-relationships where the other person gives you just enough to keep hope alive, but not enough to truly feel safe. Because of this, your frame of reference shifts: what you would never have accepted before suddenly feels like “better than nothing.”.
If you recognize this, it can also help to look at why this particular person is affecting you so much. In my blog Why him or her? I'll delve deeper into patterns, projection, and old pain that play a role in choosing your limerent object. Limerence can also cause your boundaries to shift in friendships. In Limerence in friendship: obsessively in love with a friend read more about how that feels and what you can do with it.
In Limerence and boundaries: why recovery goes against your tendencies ”I will elaborate on how to make daily choices that don't feed your limerence, but rather limit it."
Inner resistance to boundaries
Just the thought of distancing yourself or setting a boundary can evoke immense anxiety. Even if a part of you knows this situation is draining you, another part cries out, “But what if I lose everything then? What if this is the only one who will ever make me feel this way?”
The internal resistance can take various forms:
- Fear of losing the other person definitively.
- Fear that you will never feel this intensely again.
- Guilt (“I'm not allowed to feel this,” “I'm being dishonest with my partner”).
- Shame (“If anyone knew this, they would think I'm weird”).
Psychologists often describe limerence as an addiction-like process: your brain gets used to the highs (attention, contact, fantasy) and becomes afraid of the lows (distance, silence, reality). This makes it logical that boundaries are not only practically difficult, but also emotionally feel like you're losing something essential.
In my blog no contact with limerence I describe why distance is sometimes the most loving boundary you can set for yourself, and why it can cause such a struggle within you.
Many people with limerence continue to analyze their LO and make excuses for behavior that actually hurts them. In Why you try to understand everything about that other person Read how that connects with old patterns and how you can feel your boundaries again step by step.
The Real Pain: What's Really Holding You Back in Life
At some point, you often notice that limerence isn't just in your head, but starts to concretely hurt in your daily life. For example:
- Absence in your own life
You are physically with your partner, children, or friends, but your attention is elsewhere. Conversations go in one ear and out the other, you miss small moments of connection. - Work or study that suffers
You're losing focus, scrolling a lot, constantly checking your phone or email, and your productivity is decreasing. - Physical stress
Sleep problems, tension in your body, heart palpitations, eating less or binge eating. Your nervous system is constantly “on.”. - Loss of small moments of pleasure
Things that used to give you peace—a book, a walk, music, contact with nature or animals—feel flat or uninteresting compared to the high of thinking about or being in contact with that one person.
Many people later describe living “a sort of year in their head” and only afterward realizing how much they've missed. That realization can be painful, but it's also a signal of waking up: you feel the price you're paying is becoming higher than you can internally justify.
In my blog Living after limerence I'm writing about what recovery can look like and what it's like to feel connected again, even if it seems less intense at first than limerence itself.
Why boundaries are difficult with limerence
Boundaries demand something that feels precisely the opposite of limerence logic. Limerence says: “Seek contact, hold onto hope, keep watching to see if there's something there after all.” Boundaries say: “Stop looking, take a step back, choose yourself.”
A few reasons why boundaries are so difficult:
- Uncertainty is fuel
Limerence thrives on maybes and mixed signals. Boundaries bring clarity, and your brain has become addicted to ambiguity. - Your identity becomes intertwined
Who you are, how valuable you feel, gets linked to how much attention you get from this person. - Old attachment pain is touched.
Taking space can feel like being abandoned all over again. It's not “just a choice”; it touches deep layers of not having been chosen or seen before. - Your nervous system seeks familiar routes.
Your brain has followed a certain route so often (thinking about, fantasizing, checking) that it has become automatic. Boundaries literally ask you to practice new neural pathways—and that takes time and repetition.
First achievable borders
Borders don't have to be radical to give your nervous system a little breathing room. Small, achievable boundaries can already make a difference:
- Limit screen time at specific times
For example, no social media after 9 PM, or temporarily muting certain triggers (stories, DMs). - Micro-agreements with yourself
“Today I am not sending a message” instead of “I have to stop forever”. - Stop provoking contact
No more intentionally walking a certain route, no more “coincidentally” appearing online. - Write honestly instead of texting
Write everything you want to send in a note first. Not to send, but to see your own needs. - To confide in someone
Don't share with everyone, but have one safe person who knows what's going on and can mirror you without judging.
You don't have to do everything at once. A boundary is an exercise, not an exam. Every time you reclaim a little bit of space, your brain practices that there is also life outside of this one person. If you notice your mind playing the same scenarios over and over or repeatedly returning to thoughts about this one person, it can help to also read my blog about Intrusive thoughts in limerence to read, where you can find more explanation on how such thoughts work and which first steps can help you create some space for yourself again.
To think about yourself
You can use these questions for reflection or as journaling prompts:
- When do you most clearly notice that your boundaries have shifted compared to how you used to treat yourself?
- What concrete things in your life suffer the most from this limerence (work, family, health, friendships)?
- What does this situation give you (hope, excitement, recognition), and what do you truly long for deep down?
- What small boundary could you practice next week that your nervous system can just barely handle?
- When you look back on this period a year from now, what do you hope you protected for yourself?
Limerence and shifting boundaries do not mean there is something fundamentally wrong with you; it primarily means that your brain has practiced a certain route very often and now needs help to learn new paths. Every small choice to bring your attention back to yourself, your body, and the people who are truly in your life now is a step on such a new path.
Frequently Asked Questions about Limerence and Boundaries
How do I know if limerence is really hurting my life?
Look less at the intensity of your feelings and more at the impact: sleep, work, relationships, health, and your presence in your own life. If you notice your attention is primarily focused on one person and the rest of your life is increasingly becoming “noise,” that's an important signal.
Is it always necessary to distance yourself?
Not always in the same way, but often to a certain extent. Sometimes it means complete no contact, sometimes it means primarily emotional distance and feeding less fantasy; what you need depends on the situation and how intense the impact is.
Why does setting a boundary feel so extreme, even when I know it's not good for me?
Because your brain has started to associate limerence with safety, hope, or self-worth. A boundary then doesn't feel like a choice, but like losing everything you have left, even though another part of you knows that isn't true.
Can I let go of limerence and still stay in contact?
Sometimes yes, but often not in the most obsessive phase. For many people, a period with clear boundaries is needed first before calmer, more realistic contact is ever possible. In my book, I also delve into how it's sometimes difficult to completely ban someone from your life and how to deal with that.
How can your workbook help with boundaries?
In my workbook “Out of the Limerence Loop” I have compiled everything that helped me and others in overcoming limerence. Recognizing shifting boundaries, practicing reducing the number of intense limerence moments per day, and focusing on your own life. It doesn't happen overnight, but you can truly get over it. The book offers a practical roadmap to step by step break free from the cycle of limerence and boundary-crossing, so you can experience more peace, self-respect, and presence in your own life again.
About the author
I am Sidney, writer, researcher, and the driving force behind Sid's Saferoom. In addition to my years of personal experience with breaking free from limerence, I am certified Trauma-Informed Coach (IPHM-accredited via Kirsty Watson, The Complete Approach).
Knowing firsthand how lonely and exhausting obsessive infatuation can be, I dedicate my work to helping others heal. I write about it and developed the theory and workbook Out of the Limerence Loop. My mission is to provide you with the psychological insights and practical tools needed to interrupt the obsessive loop and restore peace to your nervous system.
- Want to know more? Read my full story on the About me-page.
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