Limerence in no contact: why your head feels two realities at once

In this article, you will read why, months or even a year after no contact with your LO, you can still go back and forth between “I am so glad I left” and “maybe I should send a message after all.”.
That is important when you notice that your brain feels very clear on some days and completely slips back into the old limerence loop on other days.
You receive an explanation of what is happening neurochemically in your system, recognition of that dual reality, and first steps to deal with this wave motion, with a bridge to my theory book and workbook if you want to explore this process further.

In Limerence and closure I describe what happens when there has been a clear end to the contact. Limerence: why you keep having conversations in your head gaaIt is about the inner dialogues that keep going. In this blog, I am zooming in on the phase in which you have not had contact for a while, but your brain keeps offering two realities side by side.

My own double reality after a year of no contact

For me too, it was confusing how long limerence could continue to affect me, even long after contact with my LO had ended. I could have moments when I felt very clearly: It's a good thing I walked away from that situation. And yet an old thought could unexpectedly surface again: maybe I should send a message after all.

On paper, a lot of time had already passed. There were no new messages, encounters, or clear triggers anymore. But my nervous system sometimes still reacted as if I were right in the middle of that old dynamic.

In hindsight, I see that my brain was bouncing back and forth between relief and insight on the one hand, and the familiar limerence loop on the other. That was no proof that I was failing, or that all the distance had been for nothing. It mainly meant that my system needed time to unlearn an old pathway.

Many people recognize that alternation: periods in which you can feel distance, remain strong, and notice that you are moving forward, and moments when it seems as if you are back to square one for a bit. If you recognize that, you are not weak or strange. Your brain can still reach back to something that once promised hope, relief, or validation. Breaking away rarely happens in a straight line.

What happens in your brain after a break-up?

In limerence and addiction leg I’d say that limerence is similar to an addiction in many ways: your LO becomes a kind of drug, and every message or moment of contact is a dopamine rush. If you cut off that input through no contact, you’ll first experience withdrawal, restlessness, and a strong urge to reach out again.

Research and anecdotal evidence on limerence indicate that an episode can last, on average, somewhere between 18 months and 3 years, with shorter and longer outliers. Modern recovery guides that focus specifically on “no contact” often cite a range of about 3 to 18 months during which your system goes through waves of longing, grief, and doubt, especially if old attachment issues are involved.

That means you may still experience fluctuations after a year, and that’s consistent with what we know about how long it can take a brain with a learning disability to unlearn what it has practiced for years. It’s not too long. It’s a sign that you’re already in the later stages of recovery.

From a psychological perspective, two things are happening at the same time:

• A part of your brain might think: “I’m glad I left; this relationship wasn’t good for me.”
• another part says: “LO was once a solution for emptiness, excitement, hope, maybe we should go back after all”

Those two systems can remain active in parallel, even if on the outside you have consistently had no contact for a year. That is the dual reality this blog is about.

Even when there has been no contact for a long time, your brain can keep snapping back to hope, fantasy, and conversations in your head. Recognizing limerence: why the first stage of recovery is so difficult read why recovery often begins with calmly learning to recognize that automatic route.

Why can you feel both relieved and triggered at the same time?

It can feel very strange: you are sitting on the couch and genuinely thinking “I am so glad I left,” and a few hours later you feel a pang in your stomach again and hear a voice in your head: “maybe I should send a message after all.” As if two versions of you exist side by side.

Psychologically and neurochemically, that picture is accurate. There are different layers active in your system: a layer that looks at facts and patterns, and a layer that responds to reward, hope, and old pain.

Your prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain that can plan, weigh options, and create a narrative about your life, sees that this relationship was not good for you. You became small, anxious, you lost yourself. That is the layer that gives you your moments of clear insight.

Your limbic system and reward network, the parts that react to dopamine, stress, and attachment, have meanwhile learned that LO feels like relief, tension, validation, and familiar chaos. That layer sends impulses such as “just check,” “imagine if he or she reacts differently now,” “you miss him or her after all.”.

You can also look at it this way: one part of you is working on recovery, while another part is still holding on to the old script in which LO was a kind of solution for emptiness, inner turmoil, or unfulfilled needs. Both parts can be active at the same time, especially in the first months to years after a clean break.

Add to that the fact that limerence, much like other addiction-like patterns, reacts strongly to uncertainty. Not knowing whether someone is still thinking of you, not knowing exactly what he or she currently thinks of you, gives your brain a kind of slot machine effect: maybe a good outcome will come after all. That uncertainty makes the urge to reach out even stronger, even if deep down you know it does you no good.

So if you notice that you have real, strong moments of relief and gratitude that you are gone, and still waves in which you romanticize your LO and want to check, that does not mean the relief is fake or that your recovery is failing. It means your brain is in a withdrawal phase where old and new neural pathways coexist.

Ook na no contact kunnen gedachten, fantasieën of een gevoel van terugval onverwacht weer opkomen, vooral wanneer je moe, eenzaam of emotioneel kwetsbaar bent. Dat betekent niet dat je terug bij af bent; in dit artikel over het begin van herstel lees je hoe herstel vaak geleidelijk en met kleine bewegingen verloopt.

What do dopamine and stress do in this phase?

With limerence, it often doesn't feel like you're just thinking about someone a lot, but rather that your system is stuck. You can't get the LO out of your head, even when you haven't been in contact for a long time. That has a lot to do with what is happening chemically in your brain. What's more, the limerence thoughts can even get worse for a while after you've stopped contact.

When you are in limerence, your reward system reacts strongly to any form of contact or validation. A message, a glance, a like, or even a memory can provide a noticeable dopamine spike. Your brain learns that this person is associated with a wave of excitement and relief.

If you then make a clean break, that input disappears. Your dopamine system doesn't drop back down to zero peacefully, but starts searching first. It sends out signals like “is there still a signal?” and “can I get a little reward somewhere?”. That feels like urge, craving, and restlessness. With limerence, the loss of contact consequently feels more like a kind of withdrawal than ordinary disappointment.

In addition, limerence is often accompanied by elevated stress hormones and a restless nervous system. Your body has learned that LO brings both excitement and regulation. So the absence of LO doesn’t immediately mean calm; rather, it marks the beginning of a period during which your system must learn to calm itself in a different way.

Moreover, in addiction-like patterns, you can see that the reward system is primarily activated by uncertainty and anticipation. Not knowing whether another message is coming, waiting for a possible encounter, or fantasizing about “what if things are different soon” causes your brain to keep seeking small shots of dopamine.

In short: contact and hope regarding your LO have programmed your reward system; no contact triggers a withdrawal phase, and during that phase, dopamine and stress continue to feed off each other, making waves of craving normal.

What can you do during a limerence wave?

Because your brain is still moving back and forth between the old and new script, it helps to have a small protocol for days or mornings when the limerence wave suddenly feels big again. Not to make everything go away, but to guide yourself safely through such a wave.

You can think of three steps.

1. Describe what is happening
Instead of automatically going along with thoughts like “I really need to do something,” you can say very gently to yourself: “this is a limerence wave, not the whole truth.” You acknowledge your feelings, but you also mention the context: your brain is repeating an old pattern.

2. Don't make decisions when you're in this state
Make an agreement with yourself not to make any big decisions as long as you are in such a wave. No sending messages, no checking, no new steps toward LO. Big choices are only made from the version of you that feels: “I am glad I left.” You may use that version as a reference.

3. Doing something physical for regulation
Instead of sitting around and overanalyzing, consciously choose to do something physical: take a shower, go for a short walk, do a breathing exercise, or tackle a small household chore. The goal isn’t to push your feelings away, but to give your nervous system a brief break from thinking about LO.

It can also be helpful to have a short letter or note from your “clear self” ready. On a calm day, write down why leaving was good, what pain you are preventing, and what growth you are now experiencing. Keep that note ready for moments when your brain starts romanticizing the limerent object (LO) again. Then you can read back how you feel when you are not in the middle of a wave.

How do you know that you are actually recovering?

When you still have waves, it can quickly feel like you aren't moving an inch forward. Yet there are often subtle signs that something is shifting. It helps to actively notice those, so that you are not only looking at the pain, but also at the movement.

A few signs of recovery:

• The intervals between intense waves are getting longer
• the impulse to actually do something, such as sending a message, checking, or looking something up, becomes weaker or lasts shorter
• You can increasingly think “I miss him or her” and at the same time be honest about the damage the contact did to you
• gradually there is more space in your life for other things: projects, relationships, interests where your energy goes

Many recovery guides describe that limerence does not disappear in a straight line, but in a wave pattern. That is certainly true after no contact: you can have come a long way, and still have days where it feels like you are right back at the beginning.

It is important that you do not use those days as proof that you are failing again, but as a signal that your brain is busy unlearning and that some layers still need a little time. Recovery is not a moment when you suddenly never think about EA again, but a process in which EA plays an increasingly less central role in what you do, feel, and choose.

How my theory and workbook can help you

In my theory and workbook Out of the Limerence Loop. I explain what happens in your brain during limerence, why your tendency pulls you so strongly toward your LO, and which underlying patterns, attachment styles, self-image, and old pain are at play. That book helps you understand why recovery so often feels like going against yourself.

The workbook is specifically designed to practice those counter-intuitive choices in practice. You will find exercises that help you:

• to notice fantasy and rumination faster
• involve your body in your choices, not just your thoughts
• to explore and test boundaries step by step
• find other places where your attention, energy, and passion can go

If you want to get started with this step by step, my workbook will help you walk through these processes calmly and in a structured way. You don't have to do it on feeling and willpower alone. You are allowed to use support, structure, and repetition.

Just this one more thing

When you notice that all those waves and conflicting feelings go against your inclination, it does not mean that you have strange feelings. It means your brain has learned for a long time to seek safety with your SO. That is understandable, but it makes your life small and heavy.

You may acknowledge that it asks a lot to make different choices. You may be tired, afraid, and find it complicated, and still take small steps that create more space for yourself.

It doesn't have to be perfect. Every time you shift even a single thought or action from automatic to LO to consciously choosing for yourself, that is a real step in your recovery.

Sources / further reading
Dorothy Tennov, Love and Limerence (1979), on the average duration of limerence episodes.
How Long Does Limerence Last With No Contact?, about recovery time and waves after a clean break.
The Neuroscience of Limerence: Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About Them, about dopamine, stress, and addiction-like patterns in limerence.

Frequently asked questions about limerence in No Contact

About the author

I am Sidney, writer, researcher, and the driving force behind Sid's Saferoom. In addition to my years of personal experience with breaking free from limerence, I am certified Trauma-Informed Coach (IPHM-accredited via Kirsty Watson, The Complete Approach).

Knowing firsthand how lonely and exhausting obsessive infatuation can be, I dedicate my work to helping others heal. I write about it and developed the theory and workbook Out of the Limerence Loop. My mission is to provide you with the psychological insights and practical tools needed to interrupt the obsessive loop and restore peace to your nervous system.

• Want to know more? Read my full story on the About me-page.
• Weekly support? Subscribe to my English-language essays at substack.com.

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Blog photo, thanks to Maximus Mazar-Unsplash