In this article, you will read about why limerence arises, why it often lasts much longer than people think, and what you can do if you notice this obsessive infatuation starting to take over your life. Perhaps you recognize it: you wake up and immediately think of that one person, your mind keeps imagining conversations that actually never happened, and somewhere in the background, the same hope keeps circulating, maybe today, maybe later, maybe something will bring us together.
For many people, limerence feels intense, confusing, and shameful all at once. Precisely because it can deeply affect your concentration, mood, phone usage, and even your self-esteem, it helps to not only ask what it is, but also why it arises, how long it can last, and what you can practically do to slowly reduce its grip.
If you want to read first What limerence is and how it differs from ordinary infatuation, this is a good foundation before moving on to the more practical side of this article. And if you notice while reading that you still have doubts whether your feelings are mostly intense or are really becoming obsessive, it also helps Just in love or limerence? to make those differences clearer.
What exactly is limerence?
The term limerence was popularized by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, who described this state as an involuntary form of obsessive infatuation, characterized by intrusive thoughts, idealization of one person, and a strong need for reciprocity. In her book Love and Limerence show them that it's not about “being a little bit in love,” but about a state where your thoughts, hopes, and emotional swings almost become fixed on one person.
Many people experience relief when they first encounter the word limerence, because suddenly there's language for something that previously only felt confusing or embarrassing. That doesn't make it any less painful, but it does make it more understandable: what you're experiencing is recognizable, described, and researched.
If you notice that your limerence is fueled by repetitive, intrusive thoughts about one person, also read Intrusive thoughts in limerence, where I explain how such thoughts arise and how you can deal with them differently, step by step.
Why do some people get Limerence?
Limerence usually doesn't arise out of nowhere. Often, multiple lines converge: old attachment pain, emotional hunger, insecurity, a person who for whatever reason is just not completely available, and a brain that then latches onto that with enormous intensity.
Old attachment pain and emotional hunger
People with a more anxious or insecure attachment style seem to be more susceptible to this kind of obsessive fixation, precisely because rejection, ambiguity, and unavailability have a particularly strong impact on them. That does not mean that limerence is “nothing but attachment,” but attachment dynamics often form the ground in which it can grow.
Uncertainty as fuel
Uncertainty also plays a big role. A person who is warm one moment and distant the next, a relationship that seems half open, or intermittent texting that offers just enough hope to keep you hooked, can actually strengthen limerence. Uncertainty often acts as fuel in the brain: not knowing where you stand can make the fixation stronger than clear rejection sometimes does.
Because limerence uses the same reward system as other forms of addiction, many people truly feel like they need to detox from a person. In limitAddiction resembles tolerance I'll delve deeper into the role of dopamine, highs and lows, and why your brain keeps searching for small signals from the other person.
What happens in your head without contact
Another factor is what goes on in your mind when there is no contact. Many people in limerence find themselves replaying scenarios, having mental conversations, analyzing cues, and obsessing over what something “meant.” That’s human nature, but it often keeps the emotional cycle going.
How long can limerence last?
One of the most reassuring—and yet also most unsettling—things to know is that limerence can often last a long time. So it’s not surprising if you’ve been going around in the same emotional circle for months or even much longer.
What research shows
In a recent large-scale study of what researchers call “impairing limerence”—limerence that truly impairs one’s daily functioning—1,647 people participated. In research terminology, this is often referred to as N = 1647; where N simply refers to the number of participants in the study. On average, a limerence episode in that study was found to last about two years, with considerable variation from person to person. This is consistent with earlier descriptions by Dorothy Tennov, who also wrote that limerence can often linger somewhere between one and a half and three years, especially if the feelings do not lead to a stable, reciprocal relationship.
Why that is important to know
That’s a long time. And that’s exactly why it’s important to point out that the fact that it’s been going on for so long doesn’t mean there’s anything fundamentally wrong with you; it mainly shows how deeply entrenched this pattern can become in your brain, your nervous system, and your hopes.
From my own experience, that’s one of the hardest aspects of limerence: not just the intensity, but also how long it can last. Some periods feel at first as if they could end at any moment, but later turn out to be sustained mainly by micro-moments of hope, connection, fantasy, and waiting. It is precisely that waiting—sometimes for a message, sometimes for a sign, sometimes for a change that never really comes—that can string together months or years without you even noticing.
What sustains limerence?
An important factor is contact, or even the suggestion of contact. It doesn't even have to be intense: sometimes a like, a short reply, a glance, or an online trace is enough to “turn on” your entire system again.
Hope, connection, and small triggers
In addition, daydreaming and mind-wandering often keep limerence going. Researchers who study obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors related to limerence have found that repeatedly drifting back to the same person, the same conversations, and the same scenarios can deepen the experience’s hold. That doesn’t mean you’re maintaining it on purpose; usually, your brain is actually trying to gain control over something that feels emotionally unsafe.
Shame often makes things worse
Shame also often prolongs the process. The less room you feel to honestly look at what is happening, the greater the chance that it will remain hidden and fester.
How do you stop limerence?
Not with a single magic tip. And usually not with a single decision, either. Limerence often ends through a series of small shifts: greater insight, less exposure to triggers, a little more self-regulation, a little less room for obsessive thought patterns, and a little more honesty about what this fixation is costing you.
Recognize what is happening
The first step is often to acknowledge what’s happening, without immediately judging yourself. Not: “I’m crazy,” but: “I’m caught in a pattern that’s very intense and that’s affecting me more than is good for me.”.
Boundaries around contact and triggers
After that, it’s important to consider what small boundaries might be possible regarding contact and triggers. If you notice that contact with this person keeps reigniting the whole dynamic over and over again, then you can No contact with limerence help to better understand why taking distance is so difficult and why it is not the same as punishment or drama.
The smartphone as a mini-casino
For many people these days, a large part of limerence is in their smartphone. App contact, blue ticks, profile checks, the hope of “just checking one more time” – the phone can feel like a kind of mini-casino in your hand, where every beep might be a jackpot. From personal experience, that's one of the most addictive aspects of limerence: reopening, rechecking, looking one more time to see if there's really nothing new. At one point, I even had a focus box at home, the kind of box where you literally lock away your phone, because otherwise it became almost impossible to focus your attention on anything else. That's somewhat amusing, but mostly telling: when your brain is in limerence mode, a physical boundary can sometimes help more than an intention.
Small steps work better than big resolutions.
It doesn't have to be extreme right away. You don't necessarily have to cut everything out cold turkey to make a change. Sometimes recovery starts with small experiments: turning off notifications, moving the chat app to a different screen, stopping checking your phone in bed, setting specific times to use it, or literally putting your phone out of reach for an hour.
To regain your attention
A second major step is learning to deal with mind-wandering. Limerence isn’t just about what you do, but also about how often your mind drifts back to the same person without you even realizing it. That’s precisely why I include many exercises in my workbook that address this wandering of attention: not to forcefully push thoughts away, but rather to notice them sooner, set boundaries around them, and repeatedly bring your attention back to something more solid and real than fantasy. For many people, this isn’t a quick breakthrough, but rather a slow process of regaining freedom of choice.
If you find yourself still doubting whether what you're feeling might just be “love,” it sometimes helps to, besides this article, Just in love or limerence? to read. And if you need a little hope about what recovery can look like once this phase becomes less central, you can Life After Limerence to offer a gentle glimpse of what might be possible next.
A second big step is learning to deal with mind-wandering: the tendency of your thoughts to drift back to LO unbidden. You can't force your head to stop thinking about someone, but you can practice how to handle those thoughts. In my workbook Out of the Limerence Loop. This book offers plenty of concrete exercises and small experiments that will help you, step by step, to be less swept away and to experience more stability in the here and now. Often, the intensity doesn't decrease all at once, but with focused practice, you'll notice that your thoughts come to rest a bit more often, and that you regain more control.
When is help important?
Limerence doesn't always require professional help, but sometimes it does. If you notice it seriously affecting your sleep, work, relationships, mood, or sense of security, it's wise not to go through it alone. Especially when limerence co-occurs with old trauma pain, anxiety, obsessive thoughts, or a deep sense of emptiness, guidance from a therapist who understands attachment and trauma can make a big difference.
This blog is intended as support and explanation, not as a diagnosis or replacement for therapy. But it can be a first calm space to honestly look at what's going on with you.
And if you also want to better see the everyday signs you might only recognize afterwards, then close limerence: what you often don't realize while you're in it Beautiful to see on this blog.
Frequently asked questions or how limerence develops and how long it lasts.
How long does limerence last on average?
Research and clinical descriptions show that limerence can often last for months to years, with a recent large study (N=1647) reporting an average of around two years per episode.
Does limerence go away on its own?
Sometimes limerence fades on its own, but often it remains active longer if hope, contact, fantasy, and rumination are continuously fueled, for example, by app contact, social media, and internal monologues.
Does no contact always help?
No contact is not a magical solution, but it often helps to reduce the continuous flow of stimuli that sustains obsession; less visibility of LO usually means less new “fuel.” You can read more about this in No contact with limerence.
Is limerence the same as love?
No, limerence can feel like love, but it is described in the literature as an involuntary, obsessive state of infatuation with intrusive thoughts and a strong need for validation, rather than a calm, reciprocal connection.
Is recovery possible?
Yes, recovery is possible, although it usually doesn't feel like one big tipping point but rather a process of small shifts: fewer triggers, less rumination, more regulation, a more realistic outlook, and sometimes professional support. If you want to support that process step by step, my workbook help to concretely practice those micro-steps.
About the author
I am Sidney, writer, researcher, and the driving force behind Sid's Saferoom. In addition to my years of personal experience with breaking free from limerence, I am certified Trauma-Informed Coach (IPHM-accredited via Kirsty Watson, The Complete Approach).
Knowing firsthand how lonely and exhausting obsessive infatuation can be, I dedicate my work to helping others heal. I write about it and developed the theory and workbook Out of the Limerence Loop. My mission is to provide you with the psychological insights and practical tools needed to interrupt the obsessive loop and restore peace to your nervous system.
- Want to know more? Read my full story on the About me-page.
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