Limerence and anxious attachment: when your anxious attachment fuels your infatuation

Limerence can feel intense, confusing, and exhausting, especially when you fall for someone who is unclear or emotionally unavailable. For some people, an anxious attachment style plays a role in this.

However, limerence is not limited to anxious attachment. People with a secure, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style can also experience limerence. It can even happen that you normally feel stable and independent, but suddenly become very insecure, dependent, and obsessive around one specific person.

In this article, you will read how limerence and an anxious attachment style can reinforce each other. You will discover why uncertainty, unreachability, and the need for validation can fuel the obsessive infatuation loop. I will also explain why limerence does not only occur with anxious attachment: people with a secure, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style can experience it as well. Finally, you will receive practical first steps to build more peace, boundaries, and emotional safety.

Limerence is about an intense form of infatuation in which fantasy, hope, uncertainty, intrusive thoughts, and stress in your nervous system can reinforce each other. In my main blog What is Limerence I'm explaining the basics of that pattern.

On top of that, your attachment style can play a role: the way you respond in relationships to closeness, distance, uncertainty, and emotional availability. In this blog, I zoom in on what can happen when limerence combines with anxious attachment.

My own experience with anxious attachment and limerence

For a long time, I preferred not to see myself as “anxious” or dependent. I had the image of myself as very independent, and that is true for large parts of my life as well.

Because of my parents' mental health issues, I had to be independent at an early age and figure a lot of things out on my own. I learned to keep going, to be responsible, and not to expect too much from others.

Meanwhile, a different pattern emerged in my love life. It happened regularly that men liked me and I rejected them. Rather than allowing intimacy, I tended to avoid it, yet I was consistently drawn to people who were less available.

Especially when there was someone in my life with whom I was in contact, but who remained practically unavailable, I would bend over backwards for that person. I was afraid of losing them and exhibited a lot of people-pleasing behavior.

Only when I was willing to acknowledge that anxious attachment feelings were indeed triggered in me in such relationships, could I start working on it.

That doesn't mean I am always anxiously attached, or that limerence only fits with anxious attachment. I find that distinction specifically important. Your general attachment pattern can differ from how you feel about one specific LO.

In my blog Limerence and attachment styles I briefly describe the different attachment patterns. Here I zoom in on the anxious variant, because that can make limerence extra painful and overwhelming for many people.

What is an anxious attachment?

An anxious attachment, or anxious attachment style, roughly means that in relationships you feel insecure more quickly about whether you are truly chosen, loved, and held on to.

You may feel a strong need for closeness and validation. When you do not clearly receive that, your nervous system can quickly go into alarm. Distance, silence, changed texting behavior, or mixed signals can then feel much bigger than they appear on the outside.

Typical characteristics of an anxious attachment style include:

• Constantly worrying about the question: “Does he or she still like me?”
• Afraid that the other person will leave or choose someone else
• Quickly sensing alarm at distance, silence, or changing signals
• Adapting yourself, pleasing others, or suppressing yourself to avoid losing the other person
• Trouble feeling safe when the other person is not immediately available
• Needing constant reassurance that everything is “okay”

In my blog Why him or her specifically? I will delve into why we sometimes fall for people who touch something deep within our system. In the case of anxious attachment, the attraction to an inconsistent or unavailable person can become extra strong because that person simultaneously evokes hope and panic.

Why are limerence and anxious attachment often related?

Limerence and anxious attachment can reinforce each other in a double loop.

Your attachment system seeks safety and closeness with someone, while in reality that person remains unclear, distant, or unreachable. The resulting uncertainty can then fuel the limerence: you start fantasizing, analyzing, hoping, and searching for signs that you will be chosen after all.

For example, you'll then see:

• Your PO is attracting you, but is not making a clear choice, which makes your fear of not being chosen stronger
• You analyze every text, every silence, every look, or nuance in a conversation
• You fantasize about a future where you are chosen, while reality gives little evidence for that
• You are going to run faster, please more, or try harder to prove that you are the right person
• Your mood increasingly depends on whether you pay attention to LO or keep your distance
• You feel temporary relief when your LO makes contact, followed by extra anxiety when that person becomes distant again

In my blog about limerence and unattainable love I explain why uncertainty can be such a powerful fuel for limerence.

With an anxious attachment style, your system can keep hoping that this very unclear person will ultimately become your safe haven. That makes letting go extra difficult.

When silence, distance, or ambiguity from your loved one hits you very hard, it can help to explore whether an older feeling of not being seen or not being safely connected underlies this; you can read more about that in Limerence and emotional neglect.

Limerence does not only occur with anxious attachment

It is tempting to explain limerence entirely from the perspective of anxious attachment. After all, the obsessive thoughts, the longing for reciprocity, and the fear of rejection seem to fit it quite well.

But that explanation is too simple.

People with different attachment styles can experience limerence. Someone who is generally securely attached can suddenly become very insecure, dependent, or obsessive with one specific LO. Someone with an avoidant attachment style, on the other hand, can intensely desire an unattainable person, while true closeness in a reciprocal relationship feels daunting.

So your attachment style can influence how you experience limerence, but do not fully explain oof you get limerence.

Perhaps you normally see yourself as secure, reserved, or independent. But with your SO, do you suddenly feel like an anxious mess: hyperalert, insecure, and completely focused on that one person.

That doesn't automatically mean your entire personality or attachment style has suddenly changed. It mainly shows that this specific dynamic triggers something within you.

Therefore, it is often more useful not only to ask, “What attachment style do I have?”, but also:

“What happens inside of me with thís person, and why do I lose so much peace of mind, boundaries, and personal safety here?”

What you often don't realize when you have an anxious attachment style

When you experience anxious attachment feelings, you often recognize that you think and feel a lot. But you don't always see how strongly your behavior adapts to the other person.

Many people notice, for example:

• They call themselves very independent, but in love they push their boundaries out of fear of losing someone
• They get stuck on LOs who give just enough attention to keep hope alive, but never make a clear choice
• They minimize their own needs: “He is having a hard time, I shouldn't complain”
• They confuse intensity with intimacy
• They make their own well-being dependent on a single message, invitation, or sign of interest.
• They continue to show understanding for behavior that actually hurts them

My blog Limerence: what you don’t see when you’re in it is precisely about these kinds of blind spots.

An important anchor sentence is:

With both limerence and anxious attachment, your LO can become your primary source of emotional safety, while at the same time that source remains uncertain.

That is a recipe for tension, exhaustion, and recurring pain.

First steps with limerence and anxious attachment

Your attachment style doesn't need to be “fixed.” The goal is also not to never feel insecurity again or to make yourself securely attached all at once.

You can learn to recognize what is happening, give your nervous system more safety and make choices that cause less pain.

1. Recognize the pattern

Start with a down-to-earth sentence:

“There is a pattern in my love life where I fall for unavailable people, and that strongly influences my life.”

This recognition helps you to no longer see your situation simply as bad luck, chemistry, or a unique soulmate connection.

You can look back at past infatuations, relationships, or crushes: where did the unreachability lie, and how did you react? That makes it easier to see that your current limerence doesn't come out of nowhere.

2. Look at your body's reaction

Anxious attachment isn't just in your thoughts. You can notice it in a high heart rate, tension, restlessness, poor sleep, nausea, a knot in your stomach, or the urge to constantly check.

Write down for a few days what happens in your body when your LO does or does not make themselves heard. You don't have to change that right away. Just seeing it is already valuable.

Later, you can attach exercises to that, such as movement, breathing, moments of rest, and fewer online stimuli. In my workbook, I also work with these kinds of small, achievable steps.

3. Introduce friction into limerence behavior

The limerence loop often runs on constant stimuli: checking, texting, looking at social media, replaying conversations in your head, and fantasizing about what you are going to say.

Friction means that you build small barriers between the impulse and your behavior.

Think of:

• A set time when you check messages, instead of all day long
• A maximum number of messages that you send on your own initiative
• Temporarily muting or unfollowing someone's social media
• No longer rescuing, fixing, or remaining emotionally available when the other person consistently gives you very little in return
• Texting a friend when you feel the urge to contact your LO

In No contact with limerence I discuss various forms of distance. With an anxious attachment style, it is not always about radical flight. It can also be about forms of contact that put your nervous system on less of an alert.

4. Shift the focus to your safety

With anxious attachment, the reflex is often: “How do I hold on to this person?” or “How do I make sure he or she chooses me?”

Try carefully replacing that question with:

“What do I need to not live in constant fear, regardless of what my body does?”

That can start small:

• Setting boundaries around when you are available
• Making time for people who clearly choose you
• Expressing your own opinion or need, even when it is nerve-wracking
• Planning activities that have nothing to do with your PE (Physical Education)
• Stop pretending a half-relationship is enough for you

In Life After Limerence describe what it can look like when your life no longer revolves entirely around one person.

How my theory book and workbook can help

In my theory book Out of the Limerence Loop. I will explain how limerence works at the level of the brain, attachment, nervous system, and behavior.

In it, I pay attention to anxious attachment and other attachment patterns, without reducing limerence to a single cause. Limerence is personal and can be fueled by various factors: insecurity, fantasy, past experiences, unavailability, stress, and the specific dynamic with your LO.

The accompanying workbook helps you not only read about these patterns, but also practice with them concretely. You work with small steps: less fantasy, more contact with your body, different choices in your day, and a more honest look at what a relationship truly brings you.

The goal is not to develop a perfect attachment style. The goal is for limerence to no longer dictate your entire day, self-image, and sense of safety.

Would you like to get started on this step by step? Then take a look at Out of the Limerence Loop: my theory book and practical workbook on breaking free from the limerence loop.

Just this one more thing

When you have limerence and experience anxious attachment feelings, you are not “too much,” weak, or toxic.

You are probably stuck in a pattern where you are seeking safety in a place that only half provides it. That hurts. And you are allowed to take that pain seriously, without breaking yourself down.

Whether you are usually anxious, secure, avoidant, or disorganized in your attachment style: limerence does not mean you are hopeless at love. It shows that something in this connection is being triggered much more strongly than is good for you.

Every small step toward more safety in your body, your day, and your choices is worth it.

FAQ: Limerence and Anxious Attachment

About the author

I am Sidney, writer, researcher, and the driving force behind Sid's Saferoom. In addition to my years of personal experience with breaking free from limerence, I am certified Trauma-Informed Coach (IPHM-accredited via Kirsty Watson, The Complete Approach).

Knowing firsthand how lonely and exhausting obsessive infatuation can be, I dedicate my work to helping others heal. I write about it and developed the theory and workbook Out of the Limerence Loop. My mission is to provide you with the psychological insights and practical tools needed to interrupt the obsessive loop and restore peace to your nervous system.

• Want to know more? Read my full story on the About me-page.
• Weekly support? Subscribe to my English-language essays at substack.com.

---

Article photo thanks to Anderson Rian-Unsplash.