In this article, you will read how to investigate what you truly need when you notice that your LO has taken up a huge space in your mind and heart. That is important, because limerence is sometimes not just about attraction or longing, but also about what you hope to feel through that one person: being seen, safety, freedom, validation, or significance. You will get an explanation, recognition, and a few gentle questions that can help you bring your attention back to yourself step by step.
Perhaps you recognize it: rationally you know that your LO does not necessarily suit you well, is not really available, or in reality plays only a small role in your life. Yet that person feels disproportionately important. You think about them, wait for signals, fantasize about what could happen, or feel a strong desire to be chosen by them specifically.
Then the question may arise: What is actually happening inside me? Not to blame yourself, nor to pretend your feelings aren't real. But to become curious about what your limerence might be trying to tell you.
Your LO can mean more than one person
In limerence, an LO can acquire so much emotional charge that in your inner world that person becomes more than just a human being with traits, limitations, and a life of their own. The person can come to symbolize something you deeply long for.
For example, your PE teacher might seem to make you feel like you:
- is seen
- is chosen
- You are special
- safe in love
- attractive or desired
- you are freer and more vibrant
- finally get some rest
- have a future to look forward to
That doesn't mean your LO has nothing special about them. Someone can genuinely be attractive, funny, warm, creative, or fascinating. But with limerence, that attraction sometimes takes on an extra layer. Your brain can start believing that this person specifically is the key to a feeling you've been missing for much longer.
In Why him or her? read more about why just one person can carry such a heavy emotional load, even when you rationally know that person isn't necessarily right for you.
So the question is not only: what do I find so special about my PE? The question can also be: what do I hope to feel about myself if this person gives me attention or chooses me?
Needs are something different than what your LO does
When you are in the middle of limerence, the need sometimes seems very simple: I want this person to text me, I want to see them, of I want them to choose me. But often that is the form in which a deeper desire takes hold.
Underneath the desire to receive a message, for example, there may be a need for reassurance. Underneath the desire to be chosen by someone, there can be a yearning for value, safety, or recognition. Underneath fantasies about running away together or starting a different life, there may lie a need for freedom, adventure, or space for yourself.
A few questions you can gently explore:
- How do I feel when my LO gives me attention?
- What feeling do I hope that person gives me?
- What would it mean for me if this person chose me completely?
- What do I finally think I am allowed to believe about myself?
Possible answers include, for example: then I am not interchangeable, then I am special, then I no longer have to doubt my worth, then I feel safe, of then I can truly be myself.
Those are not superficial desires. They are human desires. In psychology, there is often talk of fundamental needs for relatedness, autonomy, and competence: feeling seen and connected, being able to make choices that are truly your own, and experiencing growth and influence. In addition, safety, space for emotions, spontaneity, and identity can be important.
You don't need to find one perfect explanation. It's just about slowly learning to listen to what might lie beneath the limerence.
10 Valuable Insights in a Free Guide
Some people who land on this page have googled limerence tens of times. You know the definition. You know the stages. But there's a big difference between knowing what it is and actually getting out of it. I wrote a free guide with 10 insights that go a bit deeper. A guide that can help you on your way and explain that you are not alone.
Why someone who gives little can touch you so deeply
Sometimes it is precisely someone who is not fully available who has such a huge impact. Someone who occasionally feels warm, attentive, or close, but then becomes distant again. Someone who gives compliments, shares intimacy, or has deep conversations, but does not truly choose you or take a clear place in your life.
That can become a turbulent dynamic. The moments of closeness then feel extra intense, because they cannot be taken for granted. A good conversation, a compliment, a nice encounter, or a sexual connection can temporarily feel like proof that perhaps more is possible after all.
If you notice that you keep searching for what your LO means or feels, you can Why you try to understand everything about that other person help to see that there is sometimes an underlying desire for reassurance and control.
With me, it varied per instance of infatuation. A few times I had limerence for someone with whom I had a friends-with-benefits-like dynamic. Then there is definitely contact: you see each other, receive compliments, share intimacy, and have moments when someone feels genuinely kind and close.
At the same time, I could feel that the other person was not fully committed to me. There were periods of distance, moments when we didn't see each other, and an undertrace of uncertainty about what that connection truly meant. Precisely because of this, the good moments back then could carry extra weight. A compliment, a good meeting, or a sexual connection could temporarily feel like proof that perhaps more was possible after all.
Sometimes the desire to be chosen was there even early on. I remember that on a first date with someone I suddenly thought: I want him to choose me. At the same time, there was also a very rational part that thought: We still have to see if we are actually a good match. Those two voices could coexist.
In retrospect, I see that the first voice wasn't just about him. As a child, I often felt responsible for the happiness of my father, who was depressed. In my home situation, I didn't always feel truly seen. Consequently, a man who was hard to reach may have touched something old inside me: the idea that I would only prove my worth if someone who gave very little would ultimately choose me anyway.
I am not saying that this completely explains my limerence. But I do see that the desire to “conquer” someone wasn't just about love. It was also about wanting to be seen, to receive validation, and to matter.
Sometimes old attachment patterns can help determine why attention from an unreachable person takes on so much meaning; I write about that more extensively in Limerence and attachment styles.
Herstellen kan echt. Je hoeft herstel niet alleen af te meten aan hoe vaak je aan je LO denkt, maar ook aan hoe snel je kunt voelen wat je werkelijk nodig hebt en je aandacht terug kunt brengen naar jezelf; daar lees je meer over in Het begin van herstel bij limerence.
How do you discover what you truly need?
You don't have to dig deep into your past right away to get started. Sometimes you discover your needs simply by looking at what your fantasies give you temporarily.
Maybe you're fantasizing about a text from your LO. Then try asking: What would that message give me at this moment? Perhaps relief, validation, the reassurance that you are not forgotten, or a reason to feel hope.
Perhaps you are fantasizing about a meeting. Then ask: what feeling do I hope that meeting will give me? Perhaps proximity, pleasure, sensuality, adventure, attention, or even escaping something that feels heavy.
You can also look at what makes you jealous. Are you jealous of someone's freedom, charisma, social life, creativity, adventure, self-confidence, or apparent independence? Jealousy is not always pleasant to feel, but it can sometimes point to something you need more room for yourself.
Other calm questions could be:
- Where in my own life have I been feeling small, quiet, or in the background for too long?
- Where do I often say “I don't care,” while I actually do care?
- What do I keep putting off?
- When do I truly feel alive, proud, free, or myself?
- What would I want to do more often if I didn't give so much mental space to my OCD?
Dorothy Tennov gave language to the intense focus on one person; in The first important book about limerence: what Dorothy Tennov taught us read why her insights on hope, uncertainty, and the desire to be chosen are still so relatable.
Not everyone needs the same cause or the same route
Limerence does not have the same cause for everyone. For one person, past experiences regarding being seen, attachment, or emotional responsibility may play a role. For another, it is primarily about a period of stress, loss, loneliness, change, a relationship with too little room for personal needs, or a desire for more creativity, freedom, excitement, or connection.
Sometimes you don't know exactly why this particular person affected you so much. That is also okay. You don't have to fully understand your entire past before you can take small steps toward healing.
Insight can be very helpful, but it is not the only route. Some people benefit greatly from psychological questions such as: What does this person trigger in me? What am I trying to gain? What feeling do I hope to get through them? Other people notice that they are helped most by exercises that take them out of analyzing and bring them back to their body, their senses, and the here and now.
There is no universal exercise that works for everyone. Maybe writing helps you to see things. Maybe moving, showering, breathing, cooking, music, a safe conversation, or consciously making time for something of your own helps. Recovery is not a test in which you have to find the right explanation. It is a process of carefully discovering what helps you to return to yourself more and more.
It can be confronting to notice how much space limerence has taken up in your mind, but noticing just that is often a first shift toward recovery, as I describe in Recognizing limerence: why the first stage of recovery is so difficult.
Putting yourself first again
Making yourself the most important person in your own life does not mean you are no longer allowed to need love, attention, or connection. People need each other. Love and closeness are allowed to be important to you.
But it does mean that your worth does not have to depend on winning over someone who only lets you get close every now and then. It means you don't have to give eighty percent of your mental space to someone who in reality plays a small, distant, or uncertain role in your life.
For me, this is now far behind me. I am no longer occupied with someone who only takes up a small or distant place in my real life. My attention now goes primarily to my projects, my plans, my relationship, and my own future. That is also where my energy belongs.
That shift didn't happen because I forced myself to never think about an ex again. It happened because I slowly started taking what I needed seriously again. Not waiting for someone else to make me important, but giving time, attention, and energy back to the life that is mine.
If you want to work on this step by step, my theory and workbook will help you explore these processes calmly and in a structured way. In them, you will find various types of exercises: some help you better understand your patterns and needs, while others help you return to your body and the here and now. You don't have to do everything the same way; you are allowed to discover which path truly helps you.
Finally
You don't need to know the exact cause of your limerence to begin your recovery. Sometimes, one honest question is enough: what do I hope to get through this person, and how can I give myself a small, real piece of that today?
You are not being selfish when you make yourself important again. You are returning to the place where you were always allowed to be: in the middle of your own life. Small steps are enough.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I know what I need when I can only think about my LO?
Start small. Do not immediately ask what your entire life needs, but what you hope to feel at that specific moment through your HP. Perhaps peace, validation, connection, safety, attention, or hope. That often provides a first clue.
Does limerence always mean that I have unfulfilled needs from my childhood?
No. Past experiences can play a role, but limerence does not have the same cause for everyone. Stress, loss, loneliness, an unsuitable situation, or current desires that are not given enough space can also have an influence.
Why do I specifically want to be chosen by someone who gives very little?
Unpredictable attention can take on a lot of meaning, especially when you hope that you will eventually be the exception. It can help to examine what feeling you are trying to gain: for example, recognition, safety, worth, or certainty.
Is it wrong to see something attractive in my SO that I also want to develop in myself?
No. It can actually be a valuable clue. Perhaps your dream is pointing you toward a desire for more creativity, freedom, sensuality, adventure, or self-confidence in your own life. The goal is not to get rid of that desire, but to give it space in your own life as well.
How do I put myself first again?
Not by forcing yourself never to desire again, but by slowly bringing your attention back to what is truly yours: your body, your values, your relationships, your projects, your boundaries, and your future. Choose one small step that makes your life slightly more your own today.
About the author
I am Sidney, writer, researcher, and the driving force behind Sid's Saferoom. In addition to my years of personal experience with breaking free from limerence, I am certified Trauma-Informed Coach (IPHM-accredited via Kirsty Watson, The Complete Approach).
Knowing firsthand how lonely and exhausting obsessive infatuation can be, I dedicate my work to helping others heal. I write about it and developed the theory and workbook Out of the Limerence Loop. My mission is to provide you with the psychological insights and practical tools needed to interrupt the obsessive loop and restore peace to your nervous system.
- Want to know more? Read my full story on the About me-page.
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